02.24.2016
Yichen.Li
English II (IS)
This was not my first time to go to writing center. In English class, because of my essays, I went there for several times. And also because of my writing class, I also needed to find Ms.Swift to revise my essays. Before, I was very disturbed because I always thought my essays were not good and I can not show my ability to Ms.Swift, but this time, I changed my mind because for this essay i revised for several times. Minh and Leo also gave their suggestions on it, so this time I was very confident to meet with Ms.Swift.
When I went to the writing center, Ms.Swift was doing her work, so I did not disturb her. I just sat on a chair and began to re-read my essay in order to find some mistakes before Ms.Swift read my essay. At two or three minutes, Ms.Swift finished her work and sat in front of me. She did not read my paper immediately. First, she said to me that,” Yichen, I knew this essay needs to compare two stories, for the story Me and You, I knew every plot. But what about The Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, I did not watch the movies, so can you explain for me in five sentences?” Then I began to think about how to summary the film into five sentences. I began to describe the plot,” Well, first time, Harry escaped from his school because his school was destroyed by the Death Eaters,” Suddenly Ms.Swift interrupted me, “Is this event connected to the growth of Harry?” I answered her,” No, not really. But because Harry leave the school, then he needed to find place to live and fight with Voldemort, then Ron made Harry become mature. “ Then she said,” Is Ron influence Harry, if it’s true, you do not need to explain why Harry leave school and how hard during his escape. This also suits in you first and second body paragraphs. I have already read yours when you were thinking about the summary. The summary is good, but actually it is too much summary. Ms.Guarino already knew what happened in this story, she knew every detail, the only thing she wants to read in your essay is your own thinking, your analysis. For example, the first paragraph, you always wrote about how bad Lorenzo was. These things Ms.Guarino already knew, these things you just needed to use four or five sentences to tell, then you needed to expand your analysis. You always paid attention on how bad Lorenzo was, but you did not give the quotations about it, you can add some quotations about what made Lorenzo self-centered. And in your second body paragraph, you tried to say that Lorenzo got love from Olivia, so Olivia influenced Lorenzo to become better. This part is good, you use quotations, summary and analysis in this paragraph, which is good. So in your four body paragraphs, you need to make your summary shorter and give more quotations to support your analysis.” Then she stopped, she took a paper for me, and began to draw something and began to explain for me, “ There is one person, he is lonely, he wants to be loved. But no one cares about him, suddenly there is another person takes the gift for him, the gift does not need to be treasure, it can be the understanding. For Me and You, in this story, Olivia did not give Lorenzo anything, when she recovered, she talked many funny things that were happened when she played with Lorenzo. These things may be normal, but for Lorenzo, he felt that his step sister still remembered the events that happened long times ago, he felt very happy. So that is the reason why Lorenzo become better after the ski week. For everyone who wants to become stronger, their secret or their equipment is the love. Which also connects with your thesis statement,”Love could change person from negative to positive.” So you also need to improve your end sentences stronger in order to support your thesis statement.”
I thought a lot after she finished her last sentence, she did not disturb me. And I thought a lot about who to revise my essay to become better. I also asked some questions about when should I use Italicize and the balance between summary and analysis. She explained to me detailed. After went to writing center, I changed a lot in my essay, and now I thought my essay is stronger.
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